Friday, August 21, 2009

I'm Sorry That I Suck

So it's officially been over a month since my last post... and I'm so sorry that I'm an assbag. But from July 17 - Aug 13 I was in Greece and since then I've just been lazy. But I have some stuff I want to talk about/show you. So without further ado... GREECE. (The above picture is from Zakynthos, the island, by the way.)


The graffiti in Athens is more colorful and vibrant than I've ever seen elsewhere. I'd also like to think it means something, but alas - my mastery of the Greek alphabet lies merely in pronunciation, not translation (for instance, what the hell does "kyriakodromio" mean?)

The square near where we're staying makes me imagine what the piazzas in Italy must be like. I love all the stray dogs that roam there... and the stray kids.

We took a trip to Markopaulo, a.k.a. the Greek version of going down the shore. I like the Mediterranean. The water is very calm and clear - but lots of fish. Also, European bathing suits leave little to the imagination (I've learned that this is only SOMETIMES a good thing.)

The subways are cooler in Greece - more spacious, and with car doors that open at the touch of a button. We took one to the Acropolis Museum. The was also quite fun, learn the history. Thhe large group of touring Greek sailors was also a huge bonus.

All in all, I got used to the people, the food, the lifestyle (optional siestas, y'all!) and I had a great 17 days.

P.s. The village was beautiful, too. Even though I got stung by a bee and saw some crazy wild mountain cows.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

"In the Bloggess-Style"

Hey. So question. Have you ever been to to read Jenny the Bloggess' lovely rants and comments on life? If not... why the hell not? She's awesome and funny and just as deathly sarcastic as I am. I think I want to marry her, except for the fact that she's already married to Victor and I kind of want to marry a man, too, with the whole being gay thing and all.

So, one of her posts talks about writing in "the Bloggess-style." I figured I'd try it out today, but I don't think it's too, too different from my own. Anyhow... let's see.

HOLY FUCKBALLS, Y'ALL! Today I was woken up after only having slept for eight hours by my mom who said, "Aunt C needs you downstairs." So now my brain starts ringing an alarm and I'm going, "YAY I CAN GO SEE THE BABY AND HOLD THE BABY BECAUSE THE BABY IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO LOVES ME ANYMORE!" So I run downstaits in my pajamas looking all kinds of haggard and my aunt tells me she wants. help. cleaning. Sorry, what?! So I slept for eight hours and then got to help clean the house for three because this is my life, and there's nothing I can do about it anymore even though it sucks sometimes and I hate it.

On the bright side, though, I did get to hold the baby and rock the baby and sing to the baby. Who loves me. And never cries when I hold him except for today because he was really hungry. But other than that, he's an awesome little bundle of joy and maybe one day I'll send a picture of him to Jenny so she can write about him in her mommy blog because I think it would be pretty awesome if she billed him as a wrestling midget or a one-month old alcoholic or something.

BUT ANYHOW. Go to her blogs. Read them. Laugh. Cry. Rinse. Repeat.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Kids in the Concrete Operational State are Crackheads, or A Study in Why College Students Should Never Attempt to Revisit Childhood

Holy raining crapballs, do I have a story for you. It's not college drama, per se, but it's drama that I understand due to my college education so far.

So, I decided today that it would be a fun idea to relive being a kid again and play a video game with my cousins Y and N and their friend A. Y is 12, N is 10, A is 6... I am 19. We decided on Mario Party 7. It's a video game based on competition. During the game, A had a stroke of good luck and won a few minigames in a row, prompting N to cry out, "The game is rigged! He's always winning!" I attempted to tell him, "It's impossible to rig a video game. It's a computer based on random sequences and chance." (Look at me being all smart and shit.) He didn't like my opinion. He punched my brother Y in the ear and threw his game controller at me. I went outside for a cigarette and decided that I should probably stay within my own age group for social interactions.

Now, N is 10, as I said. He is currently in Piaget's Concrete Operational State of Learning. During this stage, children go under an internal battle known as "industry vs. inferiority." As children's intelligence grows, they begin to feel either as winners or losers based on whther they can successfully complete certain tasks. And when they feel like losers, they have mood swings of either anger or sadness. Today's menu called for anger apparently.

Oh, by the way? About 10 minutes after this, N was perfectly fine and all the other kids just thought it was normal.

Um... WTF?!

Yeah. On the bright side, baby Lorenzo is visiting again! I think I'll just stay with him and witness his innocent demands in his own little baby sign language that translate to "Feed me," "Burp me," or, "Change me, I might have soiled myself." Plus, I made him a song.

Gosh, I'm going to be teaching kids N's age someday... help?

Friday, July 10, 2009

Because Jennster is Slightly Squeamish

So, some people think that just because I could come up with a list of eleven groups of people that I hate and rant about them, I must be a hater. (Oh, I totally fucking am, I'm just trying to save face here and be sarcastic and shit.) So, by a new friend's suggestion (p.s. visit her blog at, I am going to make a list of all the things I love so that y'all "can feel warm and fuzzy inside" or something.

10. Watching kittens die: LMAO. I'm totally fucking kidding. But I needed to be able to picture jaws dropping and people running in fear. I seriously have issues. Great, ain't it?

10a. Soft-serve ice cream: So... confession - I have sensitive teeth. They especially cannot deal with cold. And when I get regular "hard" ice cream, I kind of have to bite it, because I'm far too impatient to just lick ice cream. When I bite hard ice cream, my teeth cry. So soft serve does the trick. Especially vanilla.

9. Watching old movies: I mean, granted, the sound quality sucks sometimes (I'm talking black-and-white old, not 1999 old,) but they really don't make them like that anymore.

8. Looking at pictures of shirtless (not naked) men: Because when it comes right down to it, I'm just a whore. Oh, and the whole not being naked thing is SO much hotter than the whole being naked thing.

7. Watching reality TV: My life is pretty much devoted to Bravo now, because it has "The Real Housewives" (especially NJ, where I AM FROM!!!), "Top Chef", "The Fashion Show", etc. I like the competition shows, but they cannot beat pure reality TV.

6. Making mix CDs: Because God knows that my music taste changes every goddamn day and I am so wildly eclectic to begin with that these CDs are nuts. And I drive a lot. So, when I'm in my mom's car, I listen to my CDs. When I'm in my car, I lament about my lack of working radio.

5. Decorating rooms: I'm gay. I think this blurb is done now.

4. Laughing: I'm kind of like that guy in Mary Poppins who laughs so much that he floats to the ceiling and then everybody else laughs, so they float to the ceiling, but then don't they all fall down or something? Yeah. I'm like that guy. Minus the floating.

3. Flirting: I don't know why. I think it's because I'm such a natural at it. I can also do crazy well at dirty talk. Too well, in fact, because I really don't want to have sex as much as you think I would from the way I talk to guys I find attractive.

2. Being with my friends: Yes. They do drive me crazy and are always asking for advice, but I take it as a compliment because that means they value my opinion and trust me and care what I think. I have five really, really close friends who I consider family.

1. Babysitting my new baby cousin, Lorenzo!: Oh, my God, he is the cutest thing since Furbies. He is such a gavon (non-Italians read he eats way too much,) he loves to be walked around in his carriage, he smiles whenever I hold him, and he laughs when I sing to him. He is the awesomest one-month-old ever. Like. Ever. I need to see him more often. I LOVE HIM. And I only have a picture of when he was a newborn, but I'll share it anyhow.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Top Ten Types of People I Hate... plus a bonus

So, I was really determined to be nice and minimize the list of groups I hate to ten. But then I realized I am eternally bitter and couldn't do it. So I added a bonus. I know. Lucky for you, right? So, without further ado...

10. Crazy activists: A good protest is needed every now and then. I'm a fan of reading about hippies and anti-war rallies and all that jazz, because I love when people really embrace free speech and speak their minds without fearing the backlash from society. However, I think it's safe to say that when you blow up abortion clinics or pounds that put dogs and cats down, you just need to stop it. No. Really. Just stop. Now.

9. Those random people who survey you in public: I swear to Christ hanging off the cross, if I go to New York City or Disney World or some other public place again and some random guy in a nondescript polo shirt approaches me and asks, "Can I have a few minutes of your time?" I'm going to punch a baby. Why do people find it necessary to do this? I mean, I get enough survey spam on my computer. Now it's coming at me in the real world?

8. Know-it-alls: You know them. Those people who never take advice or try to learn or think outside the box because, obviously only their ideas or ways to do things are right and you should just shut the fuck up because you clearly have no clue what you're talking about. I think what bothers me the most about know-it-alls is that they're just so damn stubborn. I mean, sometimes they really do know what they're talking about and are decently educated, so I can't get too mad at them. But I still hate them. Hence this mild position of good ol' #8.

7. Condescending people: Ok, so know-it-alls kind of fit in here, but not really. I like to think of condescending people as more arrogant and posh - like the maitre'ds (or however the fuck on God's green earth you spell it) as those five-star Zagat restaurants who look at you weird because your suit jacket was obviously on sale at TJ Maxx. Fuck you, maitre'd.

6. Liars: Let me just start this one by saying that I am not an idiot. I was not born yesterday, and I do have a lick of common sense in me. So WHY on earth would you attempt to lie to me? Like, really. C'mon. Bad liars are the worst because they don't even respect you enough to come up with an at least decent cover story for whatever shit they're swilling. But liars in general suck.

5. Asian tourists: HOLY FUCKING CHRIST ALMIGHTY. I go to NYC. Like, a lot. I live a half hour away. If another Asian tourist comes up to me when I'm in Central Park or walking down Bleecker Street, I'm going to cry. They can almost never speak English and they have the stupidest picture poses and they laugh too much. I hate tourists in general when they're obvious about it, but to me Asian tourists are the worst because they act dumb and then I laugh and they don't get that I'm laughing at them, not with them. And then I feel bad. Damn it.

4. Old lady shoppers: I can't write too much here, because if I do I'll rant and lose my shit all over this post. Anyhow, I used to work at a pharmacy and these women just have so many subcategories. Like, the "how much is this?" lady. Or the "that's supposed to be on sale!" lady. Or the show up with a full cart of stuff and only buy half of it and leave the rest for customer service to put back lady. And that's just to name a few.

3. Stupid, stupid people: I mean, I guess this group kind of swallows everyone else on the list into its gastrointestinal melting pot, but I still feel the need to include them. And I don't mean just average stupid, that I can tolerate. I'm talking dead stopped at a blinking red traffic light like it's eventually going to turn green stupid.

2. Religious fundamentalists: So I've been involved in youth and campus ministry since I was in the sixth grade or so, because I believe in God and I think it'd be supercool if I didn't burn in Hell for not talking about Him in a good way sometimes. But I've always come to face kids and adults in this demographic that think the world really was made in seven days and populated by two people. And that dinosaurs never existed. And that gay people can be cured. Come. The fuck. On.

1. Jehovah's Witnesses: I'm not sure that it's really fair to pick on the JWs when I already have religious fundamentalists on here, but at least most fundamentalists don't go door-to-door practically selling their religion like encyclopedias. Come to think of it, I hate traveling salesmen. And Scientologists, who actually make you pay for religious guidance and such. Eh. They don't make the list. Except for their short mention in this blurb.

BONUS: Parents who ask way too many fucking questions on their kid's college orientations: I just gave a dorm tour today during one such orientation, and one of the fathers in my group asked SO. MANY. GODDAMN. QUESTIONS. And I wouldn't have cared if they were in any way meaningful, but they were like, "Well, can you stack mini fridges on top of each other to save space?" and "Do kids generally alternate the bunk beds by semester so someone has time on both the top and the bottom?" Kill me now.

So, in case you haven't noticed, I am a hostile, cynical individual who has lost faith in much of the human race. Sorry, haha. But, out of curiosity... who do you guys hate?


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Tired of It

You would think that, as a self-acclaimed "drama solver" I would love drama and being involved in it.

And oh, how wrong you would be.

You know the saying, "when it rains, it pours?" Well, it's true. God Almighty, from my friend S planning to move across the country, my friend M feeling stuck in a relationship, my friends J & D frequently duking it out, and my friend W's psychobabble girlfriend, I'm going nuts. Not to mention that my family is certifiable and there's a leak in the pool and a basement pipe.

I'm silently dreaming of a vacation to Tahiti. (In actuality, I'll be going to Greece from July 17 - August 13.) So, I'm trying to stay involved to help my friends, but be uninvolved enough to keep my sanity. It certainly proves difficult.

I'm trying to keep my posts fairly regular, but as much as I love to give advice and relay stories, I don't want this to become a pseudo-gossip column. So I have a question for my two lovely followers.

Well, actually, two questions. First being, can you help me find some more followers, please? Haha. I'd like to expand my reader base, and I'll take all the help I can get.

Second, what would you like to read about? I can write about a lot, and I have a lot of experience with newspaper-writing. But what interests you?

I'd love to be a gracious host.

Monday, July 6, 2009

We'll Get to the Drama Later

I'm not gonna lie. I have a pretty juicy story, followed by some advice. However, posting time is scarce at the moment, so I'd like to clue you in on something.

My best friend in the entire world, a lovely Filipino girl who writes, eat cupcakes, and drinks bubble tea for a living, has her own site at

At the current time she's hosting a giveaway called "Dreamgirl: The Giveaway"

First of all, everybody go there. Read her articles. They're amazing.

But ladies, visit the site and comment on that post with a) the things you have never liked about yourself and b) all the things you've ever LOVED about yourself. The fabulous prizes include a neck wrap, a puffy skirt, and a shredded tee, made by Syden Therese herself!

Though I can't really use any of these prizes, I did make a list of all my flaws and good points for my own personal reflection.

MAJOR self-esteem boost.